Sunday, October 07, 2007

7:32 PM

its happening all over again.

This strums of guitar and the melody of the piano, it gets me all sinked into emotions. I get soaked with tears and frowns.

I realise this is al a cycle. Eversince that huge incident happened btwn me and ____, i got a phobia of going through this again. Though i knew how to handle and was immune to it, i still somehow can't handle the situation i am in right now. The only thing that keeps me going is _____ who is holding my pillar for me.

I do agree that _______ has his own lifestyle. I do agree that i can't force things my way. Even so, i still try to convince myself that i am actually not losing him when i know i am not facing reality. Those lyrics of songs that ran through my ears got me thinking on how is it going to be. It got me thinking on how quaking with things get. It got me thinking on how am i going to do my exam without those normal motivational process. That routine was a sense of relaxation to me somehow. It became a passion.

Somehow, im brooding over things that haven't happened. That's because i guess i see it coming. This is just a guess but it gets me worried. It seemed like ages since i haven't got to talk to or see your smile. Yes, this is being posessive but that's me. I listen to songs and keep crying. I blanket myself and think i am going to sleep but i end up not.

Did i indirectly or directly offend him somehow ? Or is it just him ? I actually feel the distance slowly and somehow. Is it avoiding or what ? What is this feeling inside of me. The feeling that haunts me forever with no reason. Well, its more of with no reason I GUESS!

I look at the picture and tell myself, is this really what happened or was it a dream ? Or was that all factual and this is a dream. I feel like a absolute stranger but somehow i can't voice out because it feels stupid and disturbing.

This feeling in me is moderately crazy and of course to a higher proportional level; heartaching!

I lost it. In that snap of emotional moment, i lost it. The control to not get back to my old habits. To not do it again. I lost it! I was stupid. I was in fact but in another view i felt that i just reacted like how i used to. Should i have just bothered my own business and acted like i don't care ? Now i reflect. Truth is, i actually do care but i just don't want a ending like this. Can't figure out how he grew into. Frankly, this is bothering me so much. So much that i was thinking that i am at fault. So much that i got sick and tired of studying with all this in my head. So much that i miss every moment we spent.

This time yet again is me as a victim. I yet again shut upand let things go with the flow. I pray to god so much that tomorrow ______ will wake up and __________________. This process is making me suffer!

Do you ever know how much i care ? Do you know how much i am suffering and going back to my old way ? Do you ever know that you're the one that i confide into indirectly. Through this times, i have never ever thought of what will happen AFTER this. All i thought was you grew into me, you grew into me and you grew into me. Best part is i don't know how. Usually i figure out how but this time i am CLUELESS!

You might think that i am just a regular person where you can look for in town but i am not. I keep saying this and will never change. I am not like people you can find anywhere else. The reason why i kept my mind focus is you! The reason why i started praying is YOU! The reason why i did not buy ciggarettes to smoke is you! All because i care! all because you're TREASURED and LOVED!

Do you know how hard this is? Do you ever bother to know ? For a moment you make me grow into a friendship that is so jovial and a moment later you are so cold towards me. Oh well, i leave into gods hands and yours! Think about it!

*Myself

Apparently, like what one of my love always point out to me. People use this space to brag about how great god's creation is or telling the world how much they detest their own race or religion or even start whining about how much they hate their ugly girlfriend or boyfriend. I find it rather weird though. If that's the case, it defeats the title man! How saddening to see them use illiterate brans with no enzyme juices to be squeezed out because it seems to be typical man! Gosh! Anyhow, judge me for yourself.

Sunday, October 07, 2007

*Myself

*Read this

*TAGS

*LINKS

*SORROW